My Cat is The Antichrist Page 6

  “Ew! Isn’t it just like, responsible pet ownership to cut their balls off?”

  “Maybe Drake does those cat beauty pageants? Have you ever watched them on TV? It’s like Miss America for cats and dogs. I don’t think they do that for those things.”

  “Do I want to know how you know that?”

  “The cat that went all psychopath on the toilet paper? My foster parents at that home liked to watch those. It was kind of nice. Instead of the Superbowl, we watched the Puppy Bowl. I hate sports.”

  We started making our way down to the kitchen. “That’s kind of a lie, you know,” I pointed out. “When the bar tried to get more customers by doing oiled up bikini wrestling, your tongue was practically hanging out your mouth.”

  “Hey, I dated the champion for six months. That’s like ten years in my time.”

  “Oh, my Lord,” I said when we got downstairs. I had totally forgotten about bikini wrestling and Lizzie’s habit of blowing through girlfriends.

  There was a plate in the center of the table piled high with these beautiful waffles. They’d made enough for us to pig out and not have to punch someone for the last one. I loved Lizzie to death, but we’d scrapped over the last waffle before. There was a jar of chocolate hazelnut butter, white chocolate hazelnut butter, fresh strawberries and bananas, and what looked like a bowl of fresh whipped cream.

  Lizzie and I forgot about bathing Drake or me dealing with my shit and looking at both the secret room and my old bedroom. We were squealing and giggling, talking about all the times we were victorious and got to the damned waffles before they were all gone. They weren’t anything like this. We stuck them in the toaster and shoved them in our faces with nothing on them, so someone didn’t come running in and yank it out our hands.

  In certain houses, it didn’t matter if you put it in the toaster or hell if it was even if your hand. Certain foods were coveted and going to get stolen. Waffles, Hot Pockets, Pizza Bagel Bites. Any kind of junk food that went in the microwave that wasn’t a bologna or ham sandwich, of which there were plenty.

  That was when it finally hit me. Lizzie and I still ate sandwiches because they were cheap, filling, and the supplies would last a while. I actually hated bologna sandwiches. Peanut butter wasn’t much better. I never had to eat one again if I didn’t want to. I never had to eat anything from a box in the microwave again.

  I got up and hugged Jana. I was trying not to cry. She probably had no idea what she was doing when she suggested waffles.

  “Whatever all of you are being paid, I’m doubling it. You’ve all been so nice, and I never thought anything like this would happen to me.”

  Jana just laughed and hugged me back. “Remind me to cook you waffles again when you need cheering up.”

  Chapter 10

  I was a little shocked when Jana showed me Drake’s room. It adjoined to my new room, what would have been Drake, my twin’s room. It was furnished for a prince. There was a king sized four poster bed on a dais, just like in my new room. It was weird. My new room was furnished with classical art. There were a lot of nude paintings and sculptures. Drake’s room had crucifixes and a lot of religious paintings and sculptures on almost every surface.

  It wasn’t like that for the rest of the house. The art in the rest of the house looked expensive, but it seemed like it was pagan gods and goddesses or characters from stories. Drake’s room was ornately furnished, and the art looked expensive, but it all looked like it was dealing with repenting and God’s punishment of the wicked. It creeped me out a little considering this was supposed to be my twin’s room.

  I shot Jana a confused look. “Does my bedroom look like some sort of nunnery you send wicked children to?”

  “They never got the chance to set up your bedroom. This was Drake’s nursery, but you always coslept with your parents until the day you and Drake disappeared. Drake’s room didn’t look like this when he was a baby. It looked like a room appropriate for a baby.”

  Lizzie was peering at all the bloody torture scenes on the wall. “Is this just where they moved all the art that can ruin your dinner or did they buy it specifically for the cat?”

  “All this art was scattered randomly around the house. Some of Tabitha’s ancestors married gentiles. From what I’ve been told, this art was bought by gentiles that married into the family. Your parents moved it all into this bedroom after the children disappeared. Your parents didn’t really come in here after you and Drake disappeared. They stood at the door and called to the cat, and he would come out. Drake is going to be right under that huge bed, in the middle. He never fought your parents for baths, but Drake’s vets did home visits. He was always under the bed.”

  “Who got him out if my parents didn’t come in here?”

  “Well, the vet had this kind of pole thing with a claw that got him out in a way that didn’t hurt him, but it pissed Drake right off. They had to put him in sort of this net thing, then sedate him for his vet visits.”

  “Is that why he still has his little cat balls?” Lizzie asked.

  “Probably. There are no female cats here, and Drake was always good about using the litter box and never spraying, so I guess they just never did it.”

  “Well, we don’t have a claw, and I don’t think any of us wants to risk facial scarring to get under there and get him,” I said.

  “I know just the thing,” Jana said, going to a huge armoire.

  She pulled out a bag of treats and started shaking it. When she unzipped the bag, my nose was assaulted by the stench of tuna, and I was about to tell her to close it, but Drake came flying out from under the bed. I pounced on him and cradled him in my arms. Jana popped a treat in his mouth and told me she’d already run his bath.

  Drake started fighting as soon as he saw the sink. When I went to pull his little green sweater off, he launched himself at my head. I shrieked and flailed. Drake was caught in my hair.

  “Shit, Lizzie! The cat is possessed!”

  Drake was scratching up my neck and ears, and both of us were howling. Lizzie managed to get him off me. Drake practically threw himself over her shoulder in a kitty hug, panting. Lizzie wrapped her arms around him and stroked his head.

  “Oh, sure!” I snapped. “I traumatized you.”

  Lizzie easily pulled his sweater off. Judas Cat clearly only wanted baths from Lizzie. I just rolled my eyes. Lizzie shot me a helpless look.

  “I’ll bathe him. Maybe he’s still mad because you haven’t looked at that room yet. Go look at that room, and I’ll give him his bath,” Lizzie said.

  “Traitorous bastard cat,” I muttered, stomping off to my new bedroom.

  What was with that? I was family. He was trying to show me things, but he didn’t want me bathing him? Were all cats so strange?

  I knew where the secret panel was this time. This time, when the secret door opened, I walked inside.

  Chapter 11

  This secret room was huge — almost the size of my new bedroom. I looked around. This one also looked like a study, but it looked like it was full of relics. There were paintings of lions and weird sheep with eyeballs all over the place. This time, everything was on paper. It looked like there were weird graphs and ideas sketched all over the desk, but it was probably in Hebrew, and I had no idea what it said.

  I seemed to look through papers for ages before Drake strolled in and hopped on the desk. He was strolling all over my papers like he didn’t think I needed to be looking at those. When he sufficiently had my attention, he gave me a hoarse meow.

  “What, asshole? You want to attack me again?”

  I swear, that cat turned this nose up at me. He hopped on a chest on the corner of the desk. I hadn’t noticed it because it was covered in papers. It wasn’t locked. I guess my parents didn’t think it needed to be because it was in a secret room.

  There were four thin, stone circles and they looked hand carved. I set them on the desk and studied them. One had a bow and a crown. The other had a sword. I studied th
e last two. One had a pair of scales on them, and the last was utterly blank. The carvings were highly detailed, and the stone was almost wafer thin. It seemed impossible to me to put that amount of detail into the carving without totally breaking the stone.

  I was about to pick one up to study it in greater detail. Drake was sitting in front of all the stones. Right before I could reach for the one with the bow and crown, that asshole looked me right in the eye and swatted it off the desk. I fumbled, but it slipped through my fingers and fell to the hardwood floor. I bolted back up, determined to save at least one of those stones. They were probably priceless family heirlooms. Every single stone slid through my hands and crashed to the hard floor.

  “Damn it, Drake, I’m getting you neutered if you don’t behave!” I yelled, bending over to survey the damage.

  The stone circles were either in pieces or cracked in half. I could see a huge flash of light above my head on the desk, and I wouldn’t put it past Drake to have set the entire fucking room on fire. Maybe he led me here to destroy evidence. I bolted back upright, and four strange men were sitting on the couch in the sitting room. Four hot men, but I also didn’t know them and had no idea who let them in.

  They were all eyeing me curiously. One of them had skin like the blackest night and dark eyes. Another was deathly pale and was totally bald. There was a ginger in the group with green eyes, and the other man looked like he just walked off the set of Lord of the Rings playing a Light Elf. They all had to be over six foot five and were ripped with muscle. Focus, Tabitha. Every foster home you’ve been in cared enough to tell you not to take candy from strange men.

  “Who the fuck are you?” I demanded.

  All four men cracked up laughing. The Lord of the Rings reject was staring at me like he was undressing me as I stood behind that huge desk and tried to stare them down.

  “Well, aren’t you just the sexist little Lamb we’ve come across so far?” he purred.

  “Watch it,” the bald man said. “I think we’ve got the Lion this time.”

  Mattan had said something exactly like that to me, and there were fucking lions and lambs all over this damned room. I was starting to think Mattan found me because he wanted to know what was in this room and these men were related to him. I knew I couldn’t trust that man.

  “How exactly are you related to Mattan?” I demanded. “If you give me an actual real answer, I’ll just kick you out instead of breaking the heel of my boot off in your ass on the way out the door.”

  The ebony skinned man just winked at me. “Mattan will be punished for his part in all of this, though I will tell you, there’s been a debate for twenty-six years whether to punish him or reward him for orchestrating everything. In the end, I suppose it’s up to you.”

  I tried to let my anger slip away. Whoever these men were, they had answers about me and my twin. “Do you know where my brother is?”

  “Of course. He’s right here. I believe he just tricked you into opening the four seals and starting the apocalypse. You’re looking at The Four Horsemen. Well, the modern-day equivalent. We have the appropriate sports cars in your garage instead of horses,” the elf reject said.

  “Is this some fucking joke? Do you want to see what happens when I need to maim a man?”

  He threw back his head and laughed. “Oh, sweetie, you want to toe to toe with Conquest? I’d love having you underneath me to prove a point.”

  “Please,” I scoffed. “You’re probably a two-pump chump who goes all stalkerish after a pity fuck and needs a restraining order.”

  The man with the shaved head was now laughing. “Best not poke this one. She’s probably not into ass play the same way you are.”

  The ginger finally spoke. “You’re all poking her. This is all new for her. We should just tell her the truth. It’s already going to be hard for her to believe. She didn’t grow up here, remember?”

  “I refused to call you The Four Horsemen. Do you have real names?”

  The light elf stood. “I’m the Horseman of Conquest. God, that sounds so much better than the people that call me Pestilence. Like I bring cockroaches to the apocalypse. My symbol is a bow and a crown, not a can of Raid. I vanquish, and now people associate me with pests. It’s fucking insulting.”

  “Well, you’ve got baggage, do you have an actual name? I refuse to call you Conquest because I don’t want you getting any ideas.”

  “I go by Chase,” he said, grinning. “Honey, once you get to know me, you’ll be begging me to be my conquest.”

  “Baggage and an ego? No thanks,” I snapped. He was sexy as hell, and if I could have had a group thing with all the actors in their makeup playing the elves in that movie, I totally would have done it, but I had enough baggage of my own.

  The ginger who tried to help me stood up. His hair was flaming red, and he wore it shorter than Chase, but it was still in his eyes. I always had a thing for the gingers, and I wanted to brush his bangs out his eyes. I had to remind myself all these men were insane and thought they were the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse and were seriously going to play this out with me.

  “I already know you don’t believe us and will require proof. I promise you to give you all the answers. You may call me Gideon.”

  Gideon just sat back down. I knew I was going to regret asking this. “And which Horseman are you claiming to be?”

  I finally saw a smile from him. And some of the cheek from the rest of them. “War. Do you want to see my sword?”

  The bald man stood up. He totally pulled off the bald look. He looked like a bouncer from one of the better bars I couldn’t afford to drink at. He was dressed like it too—Leather pants and a leather vest. When I looked around, I realized all four of them wore a lot of black leather: even Chase, the elf man.

  “Guess which Horseman I am, and I’ll tell you my name,” he boomed, his bright blue eyes sparkling. Baldy’s voice was sexy as hell, but I wasn’t playing this game.

  “You’re assuming I actually know anything about Horsemen and apocalypses. It’s was the fucking apocalypse back home for Lizzie and me when our roots were showing, and we couldn’t afford hair dye. It was the apocalypse when we were on the last package of microwaved noodles, and we got shit tips and couldn’t afford food. My entire childhood was the apocalypse, so I didn’t bother reading up on end of the world theories. I wish all of you would just get to the point. I don’t like this game.”

  “I’m Death, and you can call me Bash. As Gideon said, we’ll explain everything to you. I’m sorry, Tabitha. It’s just so nice being on Earth again, we’re cutting up a little, and you’re taking the brunt of it. Where is your friend Lizzie now?”

  “Probably bandaging her hand if Drake mauled her or taking a shower after giving him a bath.”

  The last man stood. “My name is Zed, and I guess you would say I have baggage like Chase. I’m the Horseman of Justice, but everyone likes to call me Famine now. I balance the scales; I don’t destroy food. I’m rather fond of Earth food. Things have changed since the last time I was here, and I’m interested in trying some new dishes.”

  Every single man stopped talking, and I followed their gaze to the door. Lizzie was standing there with her arms crossed and an eyebrow cocked.

  “I know I took a long soak in the bathtub, but did you find a hot dude delivery service here in Salem?”

  “How did you get in here? No one would have let you in my bedroom. I haven’t been here long, but they would have made you wait downstairs and come and got me.”

  Gideon was staring pretty hard at Drake. “Did you get a good look at the seals before they broke? Remember what we told you and the symbols you saw. We were yanked here as soon as the seals broke.”

  I wasn’t playing this game anymore. “You said you knew where my twin was. Where is he?”

  All eyes were on the cat now.

  “Sitting right there on the desk in that green sweater. Drake, you know you weren’t supposed to trick her. Care to make yourself known
now?”

  I must have been going crazy. I heard a voice in my head.

  “Hello, twin.”

  Chapter 12

  I just stared down at the cat and didn’t move. I wasn’t sure if I’d made up that voice in my head or I’d inherited some cosmic shitstorm with this house.

  “My human body is in a coma in another secret room. Now that the Horsemen are out, you can put me back in. Do you think Lizzie would date me once I’m human again?”

  “You little shit! You mauled me because you’re into Lizzie?”

  “Wait, what?” Lizzie said. “If anyone here is into me, it needs to be said that none of you have boobs and I’m not interested.”

  “Drake the cat is talking to me in my head. These four assholes are telling me he’s really my twin. He’s telling me I can put him human again. I’m telling everyone in this room I’m going to need a really strong drink.”

  “Put me back in my body, Tabby. I’ve never been drunk before.”

  “You stop talking to me in my head, Drake! If you tricked me into starting the apocalypse, you’re probably stuck in that fucking cat for a very good reason!”

  I was bordering on hysterical, and I never got hysterical. Gideon got up and wrapped his arm around my shoulder. He shot the cat a look.

  “Really, Drake. Enough! You could have waited until Tabitha was here more than a few days and managed to find out a little more about her past before you sprung the damned apocalypse on her. Let’s get you that drink, shall we?”

  I leaned into Gideon’s hard chest, and we all went down to the living room. Bash and Lizzie were arguing over who could make the better drink. I knew Bash thought he was being funny, but Lizzie would have thought he was being a sexist pig and thought a woman couldn’t have possibly known how to mix a proper cocktail. I didn’t want to hear it because when Lizzie got angry, she turned into a banshee and she’d probably break her hand punching Bash in the face.